We Are Expecting!

It all still feels like a dream. After trying to grow our family for three years and losing three precious babies along the way, our prayer has been answered. As I type this, I am still in utter amazement that I was chosen to be this little one's mama. It is such a humbling experience, one that I will never take for granted. 

Back in February, I was preparing to start a round of Clomid and like every month, I decided to pee on a stick -- just to see. And the faintest of faint lines appeared, so I naturally I texted a picture to one of my dearest friends and we both agreed it was just my imagination. So, the next day, I took another one. It was a little darker but not much. I repeated this for about four days until I saw a very definite blue line. I finally let my darling husband in on this very exciting and scary secret. Once we agreed it was definitely positive, I rang the doctor and a process I was oh so familiar with began. Blood tests were scheduled for every 48 hours to see if my HCG levels were rising. Well, here's the thing... in the past, they always went down. So when they called me and told me they had more than doubled, I barely believed them. From that point forward, everything has been textbook. At my 12 week appointment, my doctor looked at my and said, "At this point, you can enjoy your pregnancy like you never had any issues in the past." And just like that, I felt like I had graduated from a prison of heartbreak and disappointment. 

While, for the most part, this pregnancy has been "textbook," I find myself fighting fear more often than I would like. Some days I just feel like it's too good to be true. But I am reminded that this little girl is a gift from God. Yes, you read that right... it's a GIRL! 

My heart is so very full and I am counting down the days until October. In the meantime, I am obsessing over every little and not-so-little kick, sweet baby shoes, and what color to paint the nursery. I can't believe this is my life, and goodness, I wouldn't change a thing. 

God is good and I am so humble and grateful that I am able to experience this gift. 

Thank you to all of those who have prayed with me, for me and for this sweet baby. I believe whole-heartedly she is a miracle and direct answer to prayer. 

XO, 

B

Learning to Love Your Body after It Betrays You

While I wish this post was about the size of my jeans, it's not. It's not about what people see or how I feel in a bathing suit, it's about being betrayed over and over again.

After each loss, everyone assures you that it's "not your fault." And while it usually comes from a place of grace, it has been a one of the more difficult comments to stomach. It's my body rejecting the one thing it was designed to do. What do you mean it's not my fault? 

In my darkest moments, I find myself thinking, "Chris could have a baby if he was with a different woman, a woman who is not broken," or "My body will never be able to carry a baby full term." The thoughts are scary and sad but most of the time, I can push them to the back of my mind. 

Somewhere between grief and pushing negative thoughts out of my head, I have learned to love my body. And yes, it has failed me and it may be to blame for my consecutive miscarriages but this body, it's the only I got, I can't trade it in. 

So we have called a truce. 

While this body is not perfect it has allowed me to see beautiful faces, to hear I love you's, to run and travel to remarkable places. I have gone diving and climbed mountains in this body. I have cried and belly laughed in this body. I have scraped  knees and broken bones in this body. But most importantly, this faulty body, has made me a mother, three times. 

For all of these things and reasons not listed, I have trained myself to love the body God gave me, with all of its imperfections and flaws. Of course there are things I would change if I could, like my uterus, I will continue to choose to embrace every inch of this 26 year old body and give thanks for all that it has allowed me to do. 

-B