Learning to Love Your Body after It Betrays You

While I wish this post was about the size of my jeans, it's not. It's not about what people see or how I feel in a bathing suit, it's about being betrayed over and over again.

After each loss, everyone assures you that it's "not your fault." And while it usually comes from a place of grace, it has been a one of the more difficult comments to stomach. It's my body rejecting the one thing it was designed to do. What do you mean it's not my fault? 

In my darkest moments, I find myself thinking, "Chris could have a baby if he was with a different woman, a woman who is not broken," or "My body will never be able to carry a baby full term." The thoughts are scary and sad but most of the time, I can push them to the back of my mind. 

Somewhere between grief and pushing negative thoughts out of my head, I have learned to love my body. And yes, it has failed me and it may be to blame for my consecutive miscarriages but this body, it's the only I got, I can't trade it in. 

So we have called a truce. 

While this body is not perfect it has allowed me to see beautiful faces, to hear I love you's, to run and travel to remarkable places. I have gone diving and climbed mountains in this body. I have cried and belly laughed in this body. I have scraped  knees and broken bones in this body. But most importantly, this faulty body, has made me a mother, three times. 

For all of these things and reasons not listed, I have trained myself to love the body God gave me, with all of its imperfections and flaws. Of course there are things I would change if I could, like my uterus, I will continue to choose to embrace every inch of this 26 year old body and give thanks for all that it has allowed me to do. 

-B

Waiting on God

It has been 3 years but often times feel like 300 since my husband and I have been trying to grow our family. In early 2013, a little more than a year of being married, we decided that it was time to have a baby. We had no idea about the roller coaster we just boarded. 

In April, we found out that we were pregnant and shortly after lost the baby. Grieving this loss was a very long process, I struggled with all the common questions: Why me? Was it something I did? Of course, the only answer I found was to wait and trust in the Lord during this difficult trial. 

After 3 months, we started trying again. A year and a half passed and we still weren't pregnant so we began fertility testing. My blood work, my very expensive blood work may I add, was fine. There were no real issues that they could see. However, after many ultrasounds my physician spotted a large mass on my uterus. So we scheduled surgery. Right before my surgery, I found out that I was finally pregnant, naturally. WHAT! I was beyond thrilled. Unfortunately, this baby went home to be with the Lord and their sibling. I was devastated but in a way had restored hope, I was able to get pregnant on my own, praise the Lord. Well, we moved forward with the surgery. They found two polyps and the mass tested positive for a fibroid but was also filled with endometriosis. It's very confusing, the human body is incredible, that's all. After the 3 month waiting period we were given the OK to start trying again. 3 months rolled around and well my husband was sent on deployment for the next 8 months, bad timing to say the least. 

He finally came home in September. My doctor prescribed me clomid but we had a trip planned to Hawaii so we decided to wait until December to take it. About two weeks before our trip, I was having lots of cramping, I instantly knew what was happening. I went to the ER and told them I believed I was having an ectopic pregnancy. By the end of the week, my trip had been cancelled and I had been given two doses of methotrexate. Hear me out, sitting in the Labor and Delivery Unit and being given a shot that ends the life in your body has to be the most unnatural thing a woman can go through. I lost it. I honestly don't remember much from that night besides that without my husband I couldn't have made it through the next few days. This loss felt different. I felt hopeless and empty. I felt like the one thing I was designed to do, I couldn't. I felt robbed and angry. The list goes on. 

The good news is this, the Lord never gave up on me. I was sinking but as soon as I put my eyes back on him, I began to feel his presence and power. My hope began to restore. I found an online infertility group that is Christian-centered, I got back into the word of God, and did a lot of praying and soul searching. 

I know that God is not done with us. I believe that I will be a mother eventually. I don't think that I would have this desire if that was not in God's plan for me. However, His timing is perfect, whether I understand it or not. 

So I continue to pray. Seeking the Lord's will and searching for a clear answer about my next steps in this journey. 

If there are any woman struggling with infertility that would like to join a christian-centered group, please feel free to leave your email below and I would be happy to share the information with you. 

-B