Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Waiting on God

It has been 3 years but often times feel like 300 since my husband and I have been trying to grow our family. In early 2013, a little more than a year of being married, we decided that it was time to have a baby. We had no idea about the roller coaster we just boarded. 

In April, we found out that we were pregnant and shortly after lost the baby. Grieving this loss was a very long process, I struggled with all the common questions: Why me? Was it something I did? Of course, the only answer I found was to wait and trust in the Lord during this difficult trial. 

After 3 months, we started trying again. A year and a half passed and we still weren't pregnant so we began fertility testing. My blood work, my very expensive blood work may I add, was fine. There were no real issues that they could see. However, after many ultrasounds my physician spotted a large mass on my uterus. So we scheduled surgery. Right before my surgery, I found out that I was finally pregnant, naturally. WHAT! I was beyond thrilled. Unfortunately, this baby went home to be with the Lord and their sibling. I was devastated but in a way had restored hope, I was able to get pregnant on my own, praise the Lord. Well, we moved forward with the surgery. They found two polyps and the mass tested positive for a fibroid but was also filled with endometriosis. It's very confusing, the human body is incredible, that's all. After the 3 month waiting period we were given the OK to start trying again. 3 months rolled around and well my husband was sent on deployment for the next 8 months, bad timing to say the least. 

He finally came home in September. My doctor prescribed me clomid but we had a trip planned to Hawaii so we decided to wait until December to take it. About two weeks before our trip, I was having lots of cramping, I instantly knew what was happening. I went to the ER and told them I believed I was having an ectopic pregnancy. By the end of the week, my trip had been cancelled and I had been given two doses of methotrexate. Hear me out, sitting in the Labor and Delivery Unit and being given a shot that ends the life in your body has to be the most unnatural thing a woman can go through. I lost it. I honestly don't remember much from that night besides that without my husband I couldn't have made it through the next few days. This loss felt different. I felt hopeless and empty. I felt like the one thing I was designed to do, I couldn't. I felt robbed and angry. The list goes on. 

The good news is this, the Lord never gave up on me. I was sinking but as soon as I put my eyes back on him, I began to feel his presence and power. My hope began to restore. I found an online infertility group that is Christian-centered, I got back into the word of God, and did a lot of praying and soul searching. 

I know that God is not done with us. I believe that I will be a mother eventually. I don't think that I would have this desire if that was not in God's plan for me. However, His timing is perfect, whether I understand it or not. 

So I continue to pray. Seeking the Lord's will and searching for a clear answer about my next steps in this journey. 

If there are any woman struggling with infertility that would like to join a christian-centered group, please feel free to leave your email below and I would be happy to share the information with you. 



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